This past weekend, I watched my little brother get married to the woman he loves. [And then… there was one.]

He planned an “impromptu” wedding supper and give us a 2-weeks notice.

-“So, what are you guys doing Jan 18th” he announced on Xmas eve.
-“Dunno” we replied
-“Ok cause we are getting married or whatever”

Even though we are Italian and have parents that are somewhat traditional (at least they like to think that they are) my little brother and I (as opposed to my other siblings) grew up somewhat “revolted” by ideas that most people would consider “normal”. Trends, Social Media, Smartphones (I fought hard to try to keep my Nokia), Religion, Marriage… We don’t understand it and we don’t like it.  So, when he announced his wedding so candidly, I wasn’t personally surprised. Hey. I’ll probably do exactly the same thing… if I even get married at all.

My family, however, was extremely confused.

“Ok wait. What? Are you having a ceremony?” “Are you wearing a white wedding dress?” “Are we wearing wedding outfits?” “You are signing papers at the notary?” “We can’t come?” “Are you having a church mass?” “What hall?” “There’s no hall?”  To which they proudly answered with “No. None. Whatever you want. It doesn’t matter. Just show up.”

Lucky for me, I’m a wedding photographer and I have bargaining chips to attend private events, especially during COVID times. We might not be the mushy, share your feelings, type of fam jam… I still wanted to be there in case a) All hell broke loose (you know, caaaause I have experience in that sort of thing) and b) he’s still my little brother. I mean… he did fall the stairs once as a baby as a direct result from my actions but… I’m sure it was an accident.

so why am I writing this post? Because of how my family reacted to my brother’s announcement. Because it happens WAY. TOO. OFTEN. Here’s the thing about weddings. People have lost its true meaning. This idea of the white dress, the DJ, the venue, the flowers, the rings, the deco, has been drilled into us so much, that we forgot what we were actually all doing this for.

To celebrate THEIR love. Theirs. Everything else is a distraction. An industry to make you spend.

Weddings are an event where two people (any two people) invite their loved ones to celebrate how much they care about each other. People (guests) are there to witness it and get to admire what they feel every day.

That’s it.

When you start involving flowers and hotel rooms and limos and color palettes, it’s no longer about your love for each other. It’s a show. For other people.

As a couple that wants to get married, you should be surrounded by people that will just bask in your joy and want to witness the vows that you are taking. Their only job is to be there and support the decision you just took.

After 12 years in the industry, too often I see friends or family members complain that the food isn’t good or that the ceremony was too long, or that the church was too hot, or the music was too boring. I hear them complain about why they weren’t invited and how they won’t invite them back when they get married. I also heard family who stopped talking to the couple because they didn’t “take the time” to take a photo with them. Or the guests inviting people to the dinner without asking the couple because “it’s a big venue. don’t worry about it”

I see couples stressing and scurrying around making sure that everyone is comfortable or the timeline is respected or that everyone was thanked properly.

Hey guest, this isn’t about you! 

They paid all this money to make sure that you are ok and having fun. Their day passed by with a blink of an eye and they have trouble getting in the moment and enjoying the day [which should be about them] because they want to make sure that you are all ok. How fair is that?

If a couple decides to invite 10/20/30 people and you aren’t one of them, that’s their prerogative. Stop taking it personally. If the food isn’t to your liking or doesn’t have what you asked for, eat it anyways.. and with a smile. If the hairstylist didn’t do your hair quite right, Don’t take it out on the couple. Noone cares what you look like. If you see that the couple is taking a little longer then expected, grab another beer. Stop making this about YOUR NEEDS.

Honestly, It’s so frustrating.

When I witness my brother’s wedding this weekend, the only person making plans… was me. But only because I’m in the biz. To them, there was no timeline (other than we had to be at the notary for 4 since she was opening the place just for them). They got ready at their own places, they took their own cars, invited just their witnesses (their parents) to sign the papers, and then we went to a casual supper near our homes. The cake was the resto’s specialty, it was their centerpieces, their music, their staff.  I asked them to have a MINI first look as they surprised each other in their outfit choices and they made an “official” entrance to the resto so that I could take a few photos. Personally, that was the photographer in me talking as I love taking those photos. I know I know… Selfish.

The entire evening then proceeded in us just talking, laughing, eating and celebrating the fact that “HOLY CRAP the youngest got married.”  There was no one to impress. No one to get to know. It was us, the same people we see in every weekly family supper. Except with an amazing thing to celebrate. Since we see each other all the time, we got to just witness the happiest day of their lives while they were living it. Half the time, they weren’t even talking to us. They were in their little corner and enjoying each other’s company in fancier outfits.

They signed papers that will impact the rest of their lives because they wanted to take that step and we were just there to witness them doing it.

If you are planning a wedding and you are getting stressed about what vendors to pick, what color your tuxes should be, what meal the vegans will eat, you are doing it wrong. You are doing it for them. You need to change your perspective and get back to the reason why you decided to get married in the first place. To celebrate the love you have for each other. If you are inviting people that you think need to be taken care of or that you feel will complain unless you get exactly what they need, cut them. Witnessing a union between two people should be a big deal. Expressing your love and admiration for each other is a vulnerable intimate moment and people should be privileged to do so. If they aren’t willing to sit there and just stare at you and be honored to just being there, then they shouldn’t be there.

There’s nothing wrong with celebrating on your own or with very few people if you feel that’s all you can deal with. This day should be about you and you alone. All that other [more traditional] stuff, should be for FUN. Only if the night calls for it. Stop overplanning because you feel that’s how it should be. There’s no rule book for weddings. No matter what the older generation is telling you. You can do things HOW YOU WANT… As long as you tell the government about it eventually.

It was pretty cool to see my little brother so in love and focused on his new bride. Especially that, in everyday life, he’s always the “tough/jokester” guy in every situation. I had never seen him so vulnerable before. I mean, we actually hugged. Weird. Did they talk to us? Sure. Did we say a few words? Yes. Did they do a little first dance to the backstreet boys? I wouldn’t expect anything less since it’s his favorite band. Did they cut the tiramisu cake with the cake topper that was found somewhere in a kitchen drawer? You bet. But for the most part, to those two, we weren’t even really there that day. They enjoyed their moment for every single second because there was nothing to worry about. We got to see them in their true state of happiness and I feel we were so privileged to have been able to witness it and feel that energy. It’s pretty amazing.

To me, that’s a perfect wedding.

Here’s a few photos from that night.